Dazing Into Storms

If I were to close my eyes right now, she would be the only thing I see. In all the darkness behind my eyelids, she manages to be the only thing I can truly make out. It’s not something I could tell a soul about. I feel the need to stay strong for myself and those around me. Nobody knows my thoughts, but Selene remains in my head.

Every night when I fall asleep, I see her in my dreams. She wears a frilly dress, and her silky hair sways in the wind as she turns to face me with a smile. She whispers good nothings into my ear that I wish I could understand. I can never hear what it is that she tries to get across, but I can feel her skin against mine. She gives me a warm embrace. I wish I could feel it in more than just my dreams.

The thought of death becomes my only train of thought. I want to see her again, apologize, and start a family. I still have the ring I had planned to give her. It‘s hiding in the packaging, deep inside my drawer. I was waiting for the perfect opportunity to propose but never got the chance. If I were to pass away right now, the possibility of an afterlife would give me a second chance. That second chance is what I long for. Seeing her one more time would make me eternally happy.

As I grab a bottle of pills, the life I have before me flashes before my eyes. Sita’s mental health would only deplete if I were to do this. Sita was the only other person I truly cared for. My sister, struggling with hallucinations and self-hatred wouldn’t be able to handle the grief. It would put so much more pressure on Nyx and I’m unsure if I have it in me to put my family through this. However, I feel as if seeing her is a necessity.

“Baby, I’m your religion,” I hear a girl whisper in my ear. It almost sounds like the girl has a smile in her voice. I know the sound too well, and I know this is what she craves. Whether it be for revenge or sentiment, she wants to see me die.

My brain begins to feel fuzzy, my legs becoming weak. I drop all the pills as I fall to the ground. Selene’s laughter fills my head as my eyelids get heavy. She’s more than correct and the worst part is that she knows it. I can’t go against her wishes. She is my goddess and I must follow her instructions or I will suffer the consequences. I fall into a deep slumber and see her once again in my dreams, there’s no escaping the infinite guilt that I suffer through.